We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
