You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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