How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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