Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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