I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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