Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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