On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
