So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
