why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
