I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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