luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
