Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
