Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
