you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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