i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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