I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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