Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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