I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
