Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
