Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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