That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
