I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
