There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
