The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
