I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
