Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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