Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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