I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
