This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
