I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
