Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
