she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
