I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
