im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
