Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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