just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
