he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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