I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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