i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
