she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
