I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
