If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
