He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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