I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My hand turned me down
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
