I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You were trust falling into bushes
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
