I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
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she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True strength comes from lack of pants
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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