It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
