I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Randomize
