the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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