Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
