you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just took my morning after pill in the library
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
