I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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