My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
