if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
