You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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