I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
