he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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