Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
