Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
