I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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