He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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