So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
This house was built for laser tag.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
