and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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